1/27/20

I was trying so hard. The harder I tried, the harder it was to do the thing I wanted to do. I wanted to move down on the floor, and I was trying to, but no movement would work, like with the speaking part at the end; there was no way I was going to be able to communicate that answer with my hands, so instead, I spoke which seemed so simple compared to moving my hands. I was just getting drawn further and further into my mind, and it’s been like that for the past several days of just being stuck in my head, and I thought today was going to be different since I took my meds last night and today, and I was almost kind of getting back to normal. You mentioned that one of the options of what we could do would be to do a puzzle or something, and while I like the idea of that, I’m afraid I’ll get hyper focused on it which is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. With the Kermit one, I felt kind of strange about holding it, and I don’t know what it was, maybe because it’s really distracting, and there’s lots of distractions and things tied to it that I didn’t want to focus on. I don’t know; I really did not want to hold it whatsoever, but the book was fine.

With the hiding part, putting my arm up to my face and letting my hair fall over both, it was partially because I was trying really hard to not to fall apart but also because I was shutting down, and it seems that this has been a trend lately. I wanted to make more eye contact, but as of late, since some of my friends know that I’m not doing well, I haven’t made much eye contact with anyone because of the shame I have for feeling the way I have. That’s the reason I wasn’t making eye contact in session. I’ve been carrying a lot of shame lately about feeling suicidal and how selfish it is for me to feel like this and how it’s impacting everyone around me. I’m stuck in this weird place between wanting to seek help and support for feeling like this and wanting to keep it to myself and be silent about it, so I don’t hurt anyone anymore than I already have. I’m kind of in this mindset that I just need to keep everything to myself because I know it’ll pass or at least subside eventually, so there’s no plausible? reason to worry or burden those around me with this. But at the same time, I also know that it could be a while before these thoughts die down, and they could get worse and lead me to a darker place. After thinking more, I think it would be good to retry the sitting thing and try the writing. In the past, when I haven’t been able to but needed to ask or tell a friend something, I’ve utilized either texting or writing a note and giving it to them, and they either respond through the same means I communicated with them or verbally which helped me feel more comfortable with communicating with them and helped start the conversation. So, I think trying the writing/typing would be good. And I think sitting on the floor might help to keep me grounded.

Some things I wanted to mention that would take too long to explain in person…

Wednesday was an extremely stressful day. My mom came out here for my surgery and was with me when I was getting prepped for surgery at like 6:30am. I of course had to take the hairbands off my wrist, so it was completely exposed, and while I didn’t have any fresh cuts, I still had some fading ones and scars from the time before that, and it didn’t help that the hospital was kind of cold which made my scars even more noticeable. I tried my best to keep them hidden under a blanket, but I’m sure my mom saw them. She didn’t say anything thankfully, and neither did any of the nurses though I’m positive they noticed too. The scheduled time for the procedure was like 7am or something, but the anesthesiologist was being a pain and wanted an unnecessary test before the procedure which caused delays and made the GI surgeon really annoyed, so he spoke to the nurses that he thought were causing the delays and was getting very angry and frustrated. I could hear and see everything because the little room thing I was in was right across from the nurses station, so that was making me super anxious, and I was kind of freaking out that an annoyed and frustrated surgeon was going to be performing the procedure, plus the anesthesiologist also seemed very intense, so that was making me anxious too.

Being under the anesthesia was great though, until I started coming out of it and had a panic attack. The nurse on my left began hitting my arm to help wake me up, and both she and the nurse on my right were talking to me and each other. As I woke up and realized where I was, I started feeling like I could barely breathe and was breathing rapidly; my muscles were super tense, and I think I might have been triggered by the hospital atmosphere. I was completely conscious, but I couldn’t open my eyes or speak as all of that was happening. The one nurse kept trying to wake me up and was almost yelling, telling me where I was and whatnot trying to get me come out of the anesthesia faster, but because of her raising her voice, I was just freaking out more, then they raised the back of the bed up to try to sit me up in the bed to help me wake up, but that just made it harder to breathe. The nurses were talking to each other and were confused about why I wasn’t opening my eyes and that all my vitals were perfectly fine. They were so confused about my rapid breathing, and then one of them asked the other about my record and conditions, and they saw that anxiety was on there. I was trying to open my eyes but couldn’t, and the nurses saw that my eyelids were fluttering/moving and that I was coming to, so they tried the hitting and yelling thing again, but that of course didn’t help. They told me that once I was awake and everything I could go back to the room thing I was originally in with my mom, but honestly, I didn’t want to go back, I just wanted to stay there for a bit, so I could get myself together, so that too didn’t help. I think they asked me if I was awake, and I nodded and shook my head to answer their questions. They asked me if I was anxious, what I was anxious about (I couldn’t speak so they couldn’t figure that out), if I was okay. I was getting overwhelmed by it all, so I began tearing up and the nurse on my left asked me why I was crying, but of course, I couldn’t speak, so she didn’t get an answer, so then she asked if I normally took anything for my anxiety, if I needed an anxiety med, and after I indicated that I didn’t need any, she asked if I just needed a minute. After a bit of being left alone, I was able to open my eyes and calm down a little, and I could see and hear the nurse who was on the left of me over at the nurses station on the phone with I’m assuming another nurse or doctor saying that my vitals were completely fine but that I wasn’t opening my eyes and was breathing very rapidly but that they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She came back after a couple minutes and saw that I had opened my eyes. I think she asked me more questions after that, but I still couldn’t speak, and I could not make eye contact with anyone for a while after that.

After the surgery/procedure, I wasn’t supposed to be left alone because of the anesthesia and pain meds in case something were to happen like complications or a reaction or something of the sort which meant that my mom wanted to stay out here for the majority of the day. This stressed me out because since it was just her and I, it would give her the perfect opportunity to talk to me about my mental health and things I was struggling with and whatnot. I also was stressed because I didn’t necessarily expect her to come to my room which was a disaster, and there was potentially evidence of unhealthy coping that I didn’t want her to see or ask about. She decided that she was going to stay for a little while and that she was going to clean my room for me while I took a nap, which was great and all, except that she was going to find the blades I had left on my desk and the box I normally keep that kind of stuff in with things I use (sometimes) to take care of the area afterwards like scar oil and cream, gauze, etc. She did end up seeing those things, but fortunately, she didn’t ask or mention anything about it.
Later, she asked me about the empty pill bottles I have and what I wanted to do with them, like throw them away or save them for something. Then she mentioned that she really didn’t like that I was taking all those medications because they are so unhealthy. She said she understands why I’m taking them, but that they are really unhealthy for my liver (they might have contributed to my medical issues last semester by causing a build-up of the liver enzymes and bilirubin) and wishes that we could find an alternative. When she said that, all I could think was “Yeah I’d like to not take them either, but what would you rather have, a kid with an unhealthy liver or a dead kid, because that’s what you’re going to get if I don’t take these.” I feel bad for thinking like that because I know she’s just trying to help.
Over the past several weeks, there have been multiple things stressing me out that I’ve been trying to avoid. One of those things is my final grades from last semester. Because of my medical issues at the end of last semester, I got really behind on the last assignments and final projects. Before I got all my grades, I checked to see what my acting and improv grades were, but then I saw that I failed Shakespeare even though I hadn’t turned in all my assignments yet, and I had emailed that professor, but he never responded, so I just tried to finish them and get them in which only happened with two of the four I was supposed to turn in. Since then, I haven’t looked at my grades. I also had to turn in my linguistics paper and final exam, and I
emailed the professor a couple times, but he never responded to me, not even to the email I sent asking if he could send me the exam because it disappeared from the course page. I still don’t know what my grade is for that, but I’m sure I failed that class too. I also had three assignments for Augmented Reality class to turn in, but the platform I was using stopped working for the final project, so I didn’t get to finish it, and of course, I intended to email the professor about it, but I never did because I kept forgetting and putting it off, partially because I was too afraid to do so. I also don’t know what grade I have for that class, but I’m sure I failed that one too. I had until Jan 14th to turn in everything because that’s when the registrar needed final grades after the Incomplete period over break. Since I was working so much on the projects from last semester, I got behind on work for this semester, and the theatre festival certainly didn’t help since I missed a whole week of classes and assignments, plus last week when I was so depressed I could barely function, then this week I missed three days of class due to this medical procedure. I have so many late assignments that I need to do and turn in, and it’s stressing me out, but I can’t seem to get myself to start them. I was going to explain in the last reflection about some of these executive functioning problems with some social media posts I’ve saved over the past several years as I’ve come across them. Originally, I hadn’t intended for them to be about ADHD, but it just happened that the ones I found and related to all were from people who were talking about issues their ADHD causes them, and after more research, I’m starting to question it again. When I was seven, I was diagnosed with ADD, but when I went for the psychological evaluation in June 2018, the psychologist said I didn’t have that, but the only test she did for it was for me to sit in front of a computer for fifteen minutes and hit the space bar when an X came up on screen in a sequence of letters. Since I was really anxious, I was hyperfocused on it, so I wouldn’t mess it up and so I would hit every X. Then when I went back in after a couple weeks for the evaluation results, the psychologist told me and my mom that anyone with ADHD would not have been able to sit in front of a computer for that long and be able to focus on the task. Both my mom and I were kind of puzzled by that because ADHD is not just having the inability to focus on a task…It also manifests itself through hyperfocus (which is what happened during that test)…plus a bunch of other ways…All the research I’ve done suggests my suspicion, and I know that doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s true, but it’s something I’ve been obsessing over for the past couple weeks, and it would make a lot of sense. I’m kind of hesitant to share this because I feel like it’s just a lot of unnecessary information, but it’s been on my mind for a while and won’t leave me alone.