1/21/20

I thought I was going to do better today –  I was ready, but when I got there, I froze and maybe it was partially contributed to the shame I had from yesterday and maybe the shame of cutting although that wasn’t really on the forefront of my mind. I haven’t really been talking to anyone lately besides meaningless small talk of nothing of substance so that may have contributed to things as well? 

When you brought up typing/writing and taking a step back, I was hesitant to agree at first because I don’t want to be too reliant on writing for communication, but as these last few session have gone, I’m sick of myself and my inability to speak. I think it may be a better option to utilize writing because I feel I’m backsliding/regressing in a way in sessions lately – I want to be able to speak fluidly in sessions and if that means we take a step back then maybe that’s what needs to happen. You mentioned how I’m ambitious which is very true and maybe I’m trying to push myself farther than I’m able to handle. Maybe I need to go back to the basics and solidify some skills and things. I’ve been finding it more and more difficult to keep present and manage my anxiety with grounding and whatnot both in session and everyday life. I’ve been forgetting how to implement the grounding and mindfulness things in a way for them to actually work. All of this to say that I’m willing to give writing/typing a go. I think that might be what’s best for right now. 

I was getting so confused in session, and I don’t even know what about except for that I tried to figure things out, but that only made me more confused and frustrated with my mind.

Meds – often it’s forgetfulness I think; another part is that I hate taking them so I have no motivation to follow through with the actual act of taking them; part of it is also contributed to executive dysfunctioning where I intend to take them but just can’t make myself take them. I guess it’s not exactly forgetfulness, but when I do see one of the five notifications on my phone, I’ll notice it then intend to take them, but then think I’ll take them in a minute, then twenty minutes goes by, and I see another notification, and I’ll think oh shoot I forgot, I’ll take them in a minute, then some more time goes by, and I’ll see another notification and the process begins again but at that point I’m running late for something so then I’ll think I’ll take them after that class or work but then I’ll forget again until it’s time for my second dose of a some of the meds, then I’ll get the notifications for that, and I’ll put it off then I forget and by then it’s one a.m., and I still haven’t taken my meds, so I’ll tell myself that I’ll take them in the morning and then it all repeats again. So, it’s kind of forgetting and also partially executive dysfunctioning. And maybe part of this is also a bit of subconscious self-sabotage, I think that’s often a reason for things such as this. And answering your question, I do think there is a part of me that doesn’t want to get better, a part that is always telling me that I can’t, don’t deserve to, and won’t, that I’ll always be this mess, that nothing can or will help me, etc. You mentioned getting better and not having an excuse/reason/explanation for things that are intimidating or things I don’t like doing, and there probably is that somewhere in my mind, but the majority of the things that are like that are things that I desperately wish I could do, and while yes learning to manage my anxiety won’t take it away, at least being able to handle it will make it easier (I think/hope). For example, I wish I could be able to handle and manage my anxiety enough to be able to have actual real conversations with people – I don’t like having the explanation of anxiety for not being able to converse; I’d rather be able to have a conversation and have the anxiety, but be able to handle it without it taking over, shutting me down, and silencing me while being slightly uncomfortable. I feel like I’m not really explaining everything how I want to in this paragraph, and I also don’t think I’m completely grasping or understanding this. I just want to be able to handle and manage my anxiety without it taking over and silencing me. I’ve dealt with it long enough that I feel like it’s a core aspect of my personality that I can deal with for the most part aside from the not speaking part. 

I also wanted to let you know that I was approved for the SSF grant and was awarded the full $200. I’ve been looking into workbooks and things and have ordered a few. I can also pay for the past two sessions and the upcoming one now. 

I also think I need to mention that over the weekend, I’ve been feeling suicidal. I still haven’t been taking my meds like I’m supposed to because I’ve been slightly afraid that if I do, something will happen and I’ll try overdose, which of course has just led me to feel worse. I’ve thought about asking a friend to help me out with it, but no one has been around lately, and they’re all too busy to even be around me, so I’ve been isolating which of course has been making it worse. Saturday night, I was feeling especially bad, and I felt I had no support or anyone to talk to, and I didn’t know what else I could to keep myself safe, so I tried to contact someone on the Suicide Prevention Lifeline chat, and I actually got through this time and talked to a counselor for about an hour. It helped, but when I ended the chat, I felt just as alone as I did before the chat. Since then, I’ve been trying to stay out of my room because I feel like I’m at more of a risk being in there alone; I’m trying to avoid it even if that means sitting in the lobby of my residence hall or walking around campus at three a.m. 

Things just seem to be getting worse, and I’ve had no compassion or anything of the sort for myself, so I don’t think I have really been doing anything to help. My mind has been so clouded, and I just want it all to stop. I’ve wanted to cut more to help, but I have surgery on Wednesday, and I can’t risk anymore evidence of self-injury that the doctors or nurses could potentially see or inform my mom about because she’ll be there when I get out, and I can’t deal with that right now. I can’t think straight, and even though I don’t think I should be saying any of this so I don’t end up hospitalized or something, I can’t seem to not write about this. Nothing feels real, and I’m really out of it. I know if I just take my meds, this will all stop eventually, but I’m afraid that I might try take too many, and everything will stop permanently. I shouldn’t even be writing this. I’m with people at the moment, so I can’t/won’t do anything for the time being. I’m trying to hold on until tomorrow, and maybe I’ll be in a better state of mind then.

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