1/20/20

The same thing that happened last week with my voice failing me happened today. I was already afraid that I was going to have a difficult time with speaking, and I guess since I was so afraid of that happening again, I was paralyzed by that fear which resulted in my voice not cooperating and me falling silent again. I came into session already disconnected from reality/the present, and nothing seemed real, so it was difficult to stay present. I still have no idea why I was so anxious or what could have been causing it. I wanted so badly to talk today and work through some things, but for some unknown reason, my anxiety was being so strange. Maybe it had something to do with this past week in MD and how unhealthy I was up there – barely eating and isolating too much, or maybe because I forgot to take meds Sunday and today. 

Since I was so disconnected from reality, I was getting so confused by my mind and what was happening – I wasn’t sure what was happening, and I was trying to bring myself back. You said several times something about nothing there was dangerous or my anxiety wouldn’t kill me, and honestly, my mind has been so bothersome and every time, immediately responded to that, “well that’s unfortunate; I wish it would.”

When you reached for your laptop, it startled me a bit because I didn’t know what was happening in my disconnected state. Then I realized what was happening, and I wanted to explain what was happening in my mind, but I had no idea how to explain or really what was actually going on in my head. Then you said something like you didn’t want me to speak which was a relief and allowed me to take some pressure off myself. I think it, despite how horribly uncomfortable and painful it was, was needed for me to sit there with my anxiety in silence. 

Towards the end, when you said you were going to step out, I knew that as soon as you did, I was going to fall apart, but then a part of me would not allow me to cry even though I felt like I was going to. I was partially hiding myself, mainly just my face, but I was also collapsing in on myself due to the fear of what was going to happen when I left and the disappointment in myself for not meeting the expectations I had set for myself for this session. What happened when you left the room is normally what happens when I get back to campus/my room and am alone after sessions. 

At the moment, I think I am fully present and reconnected with reality, but I’ll admit that the way I finally brought myself back after trying many different things was by cutting when I finally did get back to my room about an hour or so ago. I had wanted to cut last night and for the majority of today, but I kept telling myself I wasn’t allowed to. I knew it would help with bringing me back to reality, but I didn’t want to give in to those urges because I didn’t want to feel like a disappointment to those who care about me. I had wanted to injure my usual go-to area, but because I didn’t want to deal with having to actively worry about hiding it, I instead cut in the new easily concealable area I moved to the last time I cut. 

We meet again tomorrow on campus, and I think it would be beneficial to talk about what happened today.

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