1/6/20

Originally, I wasn’t going to write up one of these, but over the week, I remembered a bunch of things I wanted to mention. First thing, I finally found a word that I like for these documents: reflections. Second thing, I would really like to share the video of the play I wrote for my Shakespeare class last semester. It turned out so well, and I’m actually really proud of it and my company of players, The Murderer’s Men. 

Third thing is financial related. I don’t have any money on my card at the moment, and I won’t have any until a couple weeks from now, but I have cash for the next two sessions (but no way to put that cash on my card). Is it okay if I pay that way on Monday for this week and in advance for next week too? 

There are only a couple things I wanted to address about what we talked about last week. When you were talking about the little girl with the parent standing over, you said something about whether the little girl could just walk away from the parent, and that made me think of what happens when that becomes, in a way, a reality at a home. When my parents argue, my dad is normally cleaning something or was otherwise already occupied with a task, and he will usually walk out of the room to put something away or something related to that. When he does walk out of the room, my mom will get mad at him, and that just furthers their argument. So I thought about that, and if the little girl were to just walk away from the parent, it would only cause things to be worse for her. 

The other thing I wanted to mention is that I gave all my meds except for a couple days’ worth to Bethany to hold on to. Somehow, I have been able to keep up with my meds fairly consistently and have not felt as badly as I did before last week. Speaking of not feeling as badly as before last week, I have somehow been doing a lot better with my assignments from last semester. All week, I’ve been able to make significant progress on them, and as I mentioned when we last met, normally when I try to work on assignments it’s all or nothing, and so this past week I’ve been so overly focused on these projects that I’ve spent hours on end with some of them, not exactly making timely progress, but not completely wasting time. 

The beginning of classes is always my favorite time of the semester because I get excited about the assignments I’m going to do in the class and about exploring and delving deeper into topics and areas of study that I’ve wanted to know more about. I had been avoiding reaching out to my professors with questions I have about the assignments, because for some irrational reason, ever since I started college, at least, I have felt like the professors will hate/strongly dislike me if and when I don’t complete or turn in assignments on time, so then I avoid meeting with them or emailing them to ask them questions that would help me to finish the assignments. I feel like this flawed belief might have roots in my parents’ reactions when I didn’t get assignments done when I was younger. If I didn’t get something done, or if I wasted too much time working on something, they’d usually be annoyed and mad at me, and so I think I have carried that into college, thinking that if I took too long to do assignments, even if I had a perfectly acceptable excuse or reason that I couldn’t finish them on time, like being physically or mentally unable, the professors would get mad at me or hate me. 

One of my professors from last semester, who was also one of my professors for two semesters before that and one this semester, emailed me to check in to see if I had any questions with the last few projects that I needed to turn in. I had planned to ask him a question after class we had the next day, so I emailed him back explaining my question and clarifying a few things plus that I had planned to ask him in person but would just explain everything in the email since I knew I wasn’t going to be able to explain it all effectively in person because he scares me, mostly because he is an authority figure. He hadn’t responded to my email when I talked to him after class, so after class I went up to him, and I tried to explain what I was struggling with for the final project, but I had a really difficult time with that. I even froze up at one point and couldn’t even formulate words, so I stood there in silence for a good thirty seconds in pure agony until I basically just repeated what I said before I fell silent. One of the assignment was a pre-flection, so basically planning for the final project, and he said I could explain everything there and send it to him, and then we could meet the next day, which is when I realized that he most likely hadn’t read my email yet.

After that conversation, I left and about had a panic attack on the way to my next class which fortunately was one of my theatre classes that Bethany was also in. I told her what happened because I was freaking out about not being able to speak and the fact that I had just spoken to this professor one on one for the first time in a long time. And also, the theater is one of my safe/favorite spaces and always provides me with a sense of calm. I calmed down (kind of) after about a half hour, and then saw that my professor had emailed me back answering my question and affirming that I understood the assignment correctly which meant that I did not need to meet with him the next day. After that whole anxiety-provoking interaction, I think I was finally convinced that my professors don’t hate me if I don’t turn an assignment in on time, which I think has really helped me to feel more comfortable talking to my professors.

During the first week of classes, I got an email from Career Services about information of some new paid summer internships and apprenticeships at a performing arts center, so I looked into them a bit to see if there were any I qualified for. I looked into the costuming apprenticeship and the publications/writer internship and learned some new things about how my writing world and theatre world could meet and I could do both of those things that I enjoy. Later, when my Writing for Business class met, we went over the syllabus and our first assignment is to create a job packet, which includes a resume, cover letter, portfolio etc. for a job or an internship we are interested in. Seeing that there are more ways I can merge my two worlds together makes me reconsider my intended career path, and I wonder if maybe I could pursue copyediting or publications and writing in the theatre/performing arts world. With this new aspiration and the excitement of new classes, I definitely don’t want to consider taking time off from school anymore.

For Monday, so that I don’t end up falling silent again, I’m going to bring in a list of the possible things we could discuss. I’d like to bring in a copy to give to you as well to look at, but I’ll still rely on myself to bring up and determine where the start of the conversation will go. I also think I am going to try to hold my posture more casually and relaxed than I normally do. You mentioned multiple times I think something to the effect of if one relaxes their body, it can tell/trick the mind into relaxing and calming down or something of that nature. I think that maybe if I try that from the very beginning, maybe I’ll be less anxious. 

Speaking of calm, your office was more inviting, and part of me liked that we switched seats, though it kind of felt awkward at first because that was ‘your seat,’ but it reminded me of the Rebecca Suite office, especially with the window to my left and the blue chairs, so it felt as if it were familiar. I also really liked the painting beside the bookcase, Van Gogh’s Almond Blossom, if I’m accurately remembering what the painting in your office looked like. 

One of the last few things I wanted to mention is that a couple of my friends, Bethany and Sophie, are considering counseling. I told them that they should ask to meet with you if they do intend to go, and Bethany said that she was planning to (she’s heard me talk quite a lot about our sessions and how much help you have been), and I referred them to you, first because I know you and how helpful you are and also because I don’t want them to end up with someone who’s not good at their job like this one person I know who’s in charge of the Counseling Center (Len), which leads me to another thing I kind of wanted to mention. I think you said one time that you’ve never heard me talk bad about or get mad at anyone if they’ve wronged me in any way, and I just want to comment on that and say that I think most of the time if someone has wronged me I don’t get upset or mad at them, but if anyone hurts my friends or the people I care about in any way, it’s over for that person. They will no longer receive any grace or excuses for me not to be mad at them, and they will get no sympathy or kindness or anything positive from me (of course, this doesn’t apply to people I’m friends with; I’m not like this with friends or people I care about, just people who aren’t). Just the other day, a friend was telling me about her experience in the Counseling Center with Len and how he has been so rude to her multiple times. I don’t care about his side of the story; I’ve already had negative experiences with him, and so he is no longer someone, and this sounds horrible, I would even consider being nice to or speaking to again.

On that happy note, I’ve still been very closed off to everyone mentally and emotionally, so tomorrow ought to be fun. 

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