1/4/20

Of course, as soon as I sent that last document, my mental state plummeted, and I find myself so overwhelmed to the point that I am seriously considering hospitalization. I’m not at the point yet where I feel completely unsafe, but I know I’m heading down that way rapidly. It terrifies me to even mention this. 

I’ve hit a block with these final assignments from last semester, and I only have about a week until I have to have everything in. I don’t know how to finish these assignments and I don’t know who to ask for help. It’s really weighing on me and is just another factor that is not helping my current situation.

I’m getting to the point in my depression where it’s so difficult to take meds, to eat, to do basically any normal human function. I feel like I’m being so dramatic, and I know that this will all pass eventually, but I don’t know if I need help while ride out this storm. I’m afraid that when I get back to school, I still won’t be able to function. Part of me feels like I should drop out/take a break from school, but then also I feel like nothing is really going to help, and I just need to keep trying to survive. I know that if I had been taking my meds like I’m supposed to, I wouldn’t be feeling this horribly, but unfortunately, I just keep getting worse which makes it more difficult to keep up with them. I’ve tried everything I can to remind myself, I have five different notifications set on my phone to remind me, but that hasn’t been working.

Part of me feels like I need to check myself in to a hospital since I can’t seem to function or keep from sabotaging my health. I’m feeling a bit suicidal, but I’m not quite yet at a point where I’ve come up with a plan or made any steps towards doing anything dangerous, but I know it’s only a matter of time before that happens since I’m having difficulties with basic functioning. 

Part of me really wants to be hospitalized because I’m having a really hard time coping with anything, and I need to take my meds properly, and I need mental health help, and even though it terrifies me, I really think I need to be somewhere safe, where I can take a break and get some intense help. But on the other hand, I really cannot afford another hospitalization, and it’s the beginning of the semester, and I have things to do, and another break from life would be extremely inconvenient, but of course, feeling like this is really inconvenient too. I’m conflicted, and it’s just making me feel worse. 

I really don’t want to be sharing this, but I think I really need to. I’m terrified of what will happen. Both outcomes scare me. I’m not going to make any decisions until I at least get back to school because if I do decide to go to a hospital, I’m not going to one here at home. I’d rather be at RMH where I at least am familiar with some of the staff and have friends for support.

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