Moving on to another anxiety of mine, I have decided that I need to face the anxiety I have concerning make-up. I’ve only ever worn it like five times and three of those times were for the play last April. When I was younger, in middle and high school, I never participated in the experimentation of makeup my teenaged peers were so interested in. I was too nervous of my family making fun of me if I showed an interest in it, and I was so clueless (still am) and uneducated about it, I didn’t even know where to start if I were to bring it up. Even just writing about it and talking about it is so uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. I’ve come to terms that I need to face my fears and anxieties surrounding this topic, and as I’ve had to be in more professional settings, societal standards and expectations have become more apparent and though I know I don’t need to conform to those standards, I might as well use it as motivation to learn something new that I’m very late to learning. Plus, it can be considered a form of art so why not creatively express myself this way and use my face as a canvas (lol poem reference). I’m trying to learn, and I have everything I need for it I think; I just have to learn how to use it properly. I’ve spent hours studying and watching videos trying to learn. I’ve also been trying to practice better self-care, but it is so expensive and so time consuming.
I also wanted to mention that as a form of self-care, I’ve gotten a couple plants to bring back to school, not only to purify the air in my room, but also to give me something to take care of other than myself that’ll survive if I forget about them or can’t take care of them for a few days. I figured since I can’t have an animal on campus, this is the next best thing. Marie has a bunch of plants too and she’s named all of them, so I’ve decided that I’ll follow suit and name mine. Neither need much water, so hopefully I can’t kill them. I have an Aloe plant and an English Ivy plant that I hope will grow well and add some of the outdoors to my room. I’ve never really been excited about plants, but for some reason I am now, and I don’t know why. Maybe because of the aesthetic it’ll add to my room or because I got to be creative with the pots. I don’t know, or maybe it’s just because it’s something new.
My poem, Putting the Pain in Painting, was published on Vox Poetica.
I think I may have mentioned the topic of Dermatillomania/excoriation disorder before, but I don’t remember. I don’t like dealing with or talking about this topic, but I feel I need to address it because it’s increasingly becoming a bigger problem. I don’t know how I should go about ‘fixing’ it or if I should bring it up to Hank and how I would go about doing that because I’m not sure if I can talk about it because I’ve never talked about it with anyone. I’m pretty sure I can call what I’m experiencing/doing this a disorder/issue/whatever. I’ve read a lot about it and have taken many screening tests that have all told me to seek professional help, but I’m still partially unsure if this problem is what I think it is because maybe it’s not as bad as I believe or maybe I’m just making it up, and it’s not an actual problem.
I don’t know what I need to about it or who to talk to about it or even if I need to talk to someone about it. I’ve lost so many hours to this issue; it’s made me late for things because I get stuck in this trance-like state obsessing over every bump and imperfection. I have so many scars as a result, and I’m so self-conscious about it. I’m too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends about it and to ask them for their opinions and advice, and there’s no way I’m asking any of my family about it. I don’t even want to talk about it with a professional. I know I need to do something about it now because it’s gone on for too long.
Lately, I’ve been a bit motivated to face a few things that cause me massive amounts of anxiety, and I think this is one of the few. I’m really scared of talking about it and bringing it up; I don’t even like writing about it, but I think I have to bring it up now before I continue to hurt and scar myself. I think just bringing it up is the first step of me trying to deal with it, but I really don’t know. I just needed to bring it up and to explain my fears around it. Nothing really has to be done about it now; I’ve dealt with it this way for this long.
This all in the paragraph above is also true for my concern about having an eating disorder. I really really don’t want to bring the topic up, and there’s so much self criticism as I write this, but I think I have to actively deal with it and do something about it. I don’t know who to go to or how to help whatever is going on with my mind surrounding the topic. And I don’t know if I’m actually struggling with it or if my mind is just making it all up so that I think I’m struggling with one. Maybe I should talk to Hank about it, but I know I’m going to be too scared to tell him about it and I really really don’t want to talk about it. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed just bringing up this in writing and I really really don’t want to deal with it or think about it or anything. I just want to ignore it and hope it goes away but I know avoiding it isn’t good.
On Friday morning, my grandmother and I went back to the Courthouse to visit the people I worked with at Circuit Court. As soon as they saw me walked around the corner, they all excitedly yelled my name saying hi. They were so happy to see me, and I felt so loved. There was an older man they were finishing up helping, and he commented to my grandmother, “They didn’t do that when I walked in; they just ignored me.” I was so glad to see everyone, but I was so awkward because I couldn’t speak much, and I didn’t know what to say.
One other thing I wanted to mention is that I’ve made plans for better homework practices before school starts so that I won’t exactly have an excuse for not completing my theatre readings. Since Bethany and I are in two of the same classes this semester, I texted her asking her if she would be willing to do our readings together. I originally thought of this because I know I need someone to hold me accountable for completing the readings and plus, this way I can work on reading aloud and facing the anxiety it causes. I think that it’ll be a bit too much for me to face all the fears I’ve mentioned, but I’m almost positive that I’ll end up not dealing with at least one or two of them.
I also have really big news to share if we get to meet again.