3/3/19

Being back home for spring break has been difficult at least for the first few days. My dad arrived to BC a few hours after classes ended to pick me up for break, and as soon as I was with him, I felt that switch to the mask, pretending to be fine and calm and all put together. It was almost like I could physically feel it. I immediately notice how my manner changed from walking through the hallways to seeing my dad in the lobby. Since I had been feeling sick that week, I wasn’t moving all that fast and felt kind of sluggish, but once I got downstairs to the lobby, I began to move quickly and unintentionally tried to mask my symptoms of illness. My voice also stopped working, I felt stiff and reserved; I couldn’t really show any emotion, and it took me a while before I could talk without overthinking every single word I spoke to him. Once I got home, I was mostly comfortable enough to talk to my family.
The first night was fine, but the next morning, we found out in the morning that a family friend was coming over to help my dad repair our ceiling in our kitchen and living room, so we had to clean the house in about two hours or so and although its not a big area, we have a lot of stuff from the programs we are involved with. Stress and cleaning always make my family, mostly my parents, testy and easily angered, so quite a lot of the morning was spent arguing and angry cleaning. I haven’t been completely honest about my parents and what it’s like when I’m home. My mother is usually overly stressed since she is trying to raise three difficult boys while trying to keep up with everything my sister is doing. My dad is always working because he’s trying to provide for my family, but because of this, my mother is left to deal with my brothers during the day. My parents have had a lot of issues with my dad expecting things to be done when he gets home, but because my mother is so exhausted at the end of the day, she has no energy or time to do all of the things she meant to do over the course of the day, mostly cleaning. My dad likes to come home to a clean house because he doesn’t function well in mess and disorder, but he used to not realize that a clean house was usually impossible with my siblings. They have had issues and so many arguments about how they treat one another, and they don’t realize they have been acting a certain way or aren’t being considerate towards the other. Other things that set off their arguments are when my mother wants a plan of something so that the things will get done, but my dad will usually not have a plan and won’t think things through, basically just going with the flow. My family is a giant, mess and it’s always chaotic and loud.
That morning, as we were cleaning and rushing around, my parents began arguing about what the plan was for the day because my mother had to leave to take my sister somewhere and my dad had to continue cleaning before his friend came over. They were arguing about who was doing what and whether they were raising their voices at each other (my mother very much was). This resulted in my mother to be very annoyed and sort of took it out on my siblings when she was telling them what to clean up. It also resulted in my dad angrily putting dishes away, making more noise than necessary by clashing dishes together and somewhat slamming cabinets. I didn’t realize how much this sort of thing affects me until now. I guess because before I went to college, I was already used to that kind of behavior, so it didn’t faze me as much as it does now. I remember before I left for college freshman year, I couldn’t wait to get away from my parents and how critical and irritable they were. I felt bad leaving my siblings behind to deal with their irritability, but there wasn’t much I could do, and all I knew was that I had to get out of the house before I ended things. I feel really bad for having felt like that though.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but they contribute to my depression and anxiety quite a bit. That same morning, I found out that they had been saving money so that they could help pay my tuition, but by doing that, they weren’t able to pay the mortgage on our house this month, and they haven’t bought groceries in three months. Once I found out how much I was burdening them financially, the thoughts of leaving immediately flooded my mind. I know it’s not the answer, but my family would be much better off if I wasn’t around. The hospital bills, the therapy sessions, the psychiatry visits, and the meds have cost my parents so much, and on top of that, there’s my tuition and books and all the other expenses they help pay, and I can’t keep doing this to them. I think about how much I am hurting my parents, and I want it to end. I feel so guilty for going to college; I should have known that I could never afford college and that it would cause so many problems. I just want to end everything, but I know if I do, it will cause my family more suffering, so I guess we are stuck in this never-ending cycle of suffering and pain.
In less depressing news, I found out the dates for the play, April 9th and 10th, both at 8pm. It still doesn’t seem real, but I think it’s getting closer to seeming like a reality. I’m really excited about it, and a little nervous, but only because I’m afraid my voice will be shaky, or I’ll have tremors throughout my entire body. I’m not nervous about the audience at all; I’m nervous about my uncontrollable physical anxiety symptoms.
I’ve noticed recently that whenever I talk to anyone and try to speak, the sentences I’m trying to formulate won’t make much sense and I’ll forget simple words and spend a minute trying to figure out what the word I’m trying to say is. I don’t understand why this is happening. It’s even happening when I’m talking to my family or close friends. It feels like I’m slowly losing pieces of my vocabulary and my ability to form coherent sentences when speaking to anyone, and it feels as though my memory is deteriorating.
During break I am trying to figure out the summer and what I’ll do for work. I’m planning to work three jobs and an internship and possibly some freelance technical writing and copy-editing. I’ve actually already gotten my first real technical writing job, and I really feel like it’s a field I’ll be successful in.

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