2/6/19

Thoughts before session with Hank

From Nicole to Taylor

Since that week, things have been a bit better. I have not been as depressed, but my anxiety has still been abnormally high, and every little thing triggers it. I have been so jumpy and get startled by almost every unexpected thing, even the smallest sounds. I have also still been annoyingly lazy and inconsistent with my meds, and I don’t like taking them. I don’t even know if I should be writing this, but I have considered multiple times to just stop taking them even though I know the withdrawal will feel unbearable. It might just be the self-sabotaging thoughts trying to control me. I don’t know. My mind then wanders to wonder what would happen if I completely stop them and if it would make me so physically and mentally ill that I stop functioning, resulting in another hospitalization, causing more financial difficulties, ultimately giving me a good enough reason to just end it all.

I then had a dream that I wanted to end everything and told someone in my family that I wasn’t doing so great but like I was fine (but not really, I was just saying I was), so at midnight that night my family showed up in one of the academic buildings I was trying to do homework in, and they all were freaking out that I was trying to die or something, and then my mother got mad at me because I was shutting down and closing myself off from them because I didn’t want any of them invading/meddling in my mental problems. Then somehow I ended up in a group therapy session at a Walmart which triggered severe flashbacks to my hospitalizations and the groups we had there. The flashbacks triggered me so badly that I was screaming and yelling repeatedly at whoever was around me, “No, I don’t want to be here (referring to the hospital),” as I slowly began to black out and fall onto the floor. That caused whoever was in charge to then take me to be hospitalized again. This time, it was more medical than mental, but they still put me in a psych ward and made me take more meds. After that, all I remember is that I tried to end everything by overdosing, then I woke up.

I don’t know whether I should be worried about this. I know right now I am safe and that I’m not going to do anything, but that doesn’t mean it will continue to be like that. I have been continuing to shut people out and avoid them. I have also been purposely triggering myself. I don’t know why I keep doing this other than that I don’t feel like I should not be feeling depressed. I’d like to reach out for help and support, but I don’t want to bother anyone or have any attention whatsoever to these issues I’m struggling with, and I am completely against experiencing anxiety caused by any form of help. I probably shouldn’t even be saying all this.

I have also considered mentioning to Hank that after sessions, I write up what I thought during the session, how I experience and perceived things, and the things I wanted to say but couldn’t, and maybe suggest that I continue doing this and bring them into the next sessions to maybe go over so he can get a better understanding, but I’ll still have the opportunity to explain it verbally. I don’t know.

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