1/15/19

Thoughts after first session with Hank

From Nicole to Taylor

When I met with Hank, he asked me questions as expected as part of the intake process thing, but it was really different because it was like hard, difficult questions, almost invasive, like he asked me to go in further detail about a few things which led to more difficult questions, and I ended up dissociating at least once or twice which noticed right away. I wasn’t expecting to go that far into things that fast. It went from, “Hi, how are you? What are you studying at school?” to “Why were hospitalized, and are you currently experiencing suicidal thoughts?” and I was like whoa wait what just happened. I wasn’t ready for those types of questions and like I don’t trust him yet because I’ve only met him like three times, and it’s going to take a bit before I can trust him.

Also, side note, he is so loud and very direct and to the point. He started asking about childhood and all that then he asked about sexuality and listed several, so I said, “Heterosexual; I think that’s the term.” To which he responded, “So you like guys,” in a very loud voice, which startled me, (and I kind of started shutting down at that point) and I agreed. Then he asked if I have ever been in a relationship, and I told him that I haven’t because I haven’t. He proceeded to ask me what I wanted in the future relating to a relationship, like if I wanted to be married someday and where I see myself in the future ten years from now. The latter question sort of caught me off guard, and I think it was at this point where I began dissociating, so I was just completely gone within seconds.

I think my reaction was partially due to what happened a little bit before when he asked me if I was taking any medication and when and who prescribed it, so I had to describe that I started them when in the hospital and that the psychiatrists there prescribed them but also that some of them I had just recently started over the past few months and were prescribed by my current psychiatrist. When I told him all that, he asked if I was hospitalized more for the depression or the anxiety, so I said sort of both and explained what happened prior. He asked me to explain the experience of the hospital and how it felt to be there. I tried to explain, but I couldn’t find the words. I have been writing about that experience a lot lately, and I don’t even know how to describe it simply. Too much happened and changed to give a brief description. Eventually, I managed to say that I felt trapped and like I was being watched.

That topic has been so fresh in my mind recently, so when he asked me about where I see myself ten years in the future, I honestly didn’t picture anything. I didn’t think I would make it this far, and I’ve been trying to figure out where my life is going and what it’s going to look like. Only recently has it really hit me that I’m already more than halfway through my sophomore year. I didn’t think I would make it – and almost didn’t – through my freshman year. I think that whole idea of not being gone yet caught me and pulled me in, holding me there so I couldn’t escape. I don’t know how long it was before Randy pulled me out of my mind, but he said my name and asked me if what had just happened has happened before and if it was common.

______________________

Nicole begins to dissociate, and her mind is completely gone. She’s trying her hardest to come back to the room, but her mind is spinning trying to come up with an answer for the question she’s just been asked. Her mind searches for words and soon forgets what the question even was. Her mind becomes critical and shames her thoughts and inability to think. Around and around they spin, pulling her farther and farther away from reality. An unfamiliar voice breaks through the chaos, but it seems to be only a faint whisper to her mind. In a soft, gentle but firm voice, Hank speaks. “Nicole.” He waits for a moment to see if she was coming back. Nicole’s attention was grasped, but her mind refused to let her return to reality. After a few more seconds of freaking out, she was able to detach her eyes from the wall and look back up at Hank. He speaks again, “That right there; does that happen often?…. How often does that happen? Is it common?

______________________

Then he asked if I remembered the question, which I didn’t, so he asked it again, and I managed to say that for a career, I was hoping to be a copy editor or some kind of editor. He also said something else and sort of went more in depth with the question I think by asking me about things related to my future like hobbies and interests and things. I couldn’t quite figure out what he meant, and my dumb brain automatically made me say, “I don’t know” to which he said, “You don’t have any interests? Well, we’re gonna have to fix that.”

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